I have found that there are extremes in the world of offensiveness. There are those who are offended at what seems like everything. These are the people around whom you cannot tell a joke or express a political opinion lest it offend them. And their offense does not take the form of mild disapproval, eye rolling or head shaking; no, their disapproval takes the form of a crusade! A quest to eliminate the offensive! The other extreme is those who believe that anyone who is offended at something that they say is making a big deal out of nothing, should just shut up, is trying to take away their freedom of speech or is a pansy who gets "butthurt" at hearing things that they don't like.
So what is the balance and where do you find it?
Well, for starters, not at either extreme. C'mon, you can't be offended at everything, or expect everyone to share your outrage, nor can you reasonably expect that every stupid thought that bubbles up out of your subconscious is fit to be uttered aloud. But, as I said, those are the extremes, and most people don't live at the extremities. Every culture has things that are widely considered acceptable or offensive and within cultures every individual has things that differ from the larger culture. Things that may be perfectly innocuous in one setting may be "fightin' words" in another.
In the United States, like it or not, we live in a multi-cultural society. We are a combination of, not only many immigrant cultures, but differing cultures in different regions of the country. Can the Deep South be considered identical to the Northeast? Are urban dwellers likely to act the same as people who live in rural settings? We are a nation of many religions. Even within the dominant faith, Christianity, there are definite differences between a Catholic, raised in a predominantly Catholic neighborhood, and a member of a fundamentalist or evangelical denomination. And then of course there is "race". Immigrants and descendants of immigrants from all over the world (including the far-from-monolithic group called "white"), Native groups, including the many North American nations and tribes, Alaska natives, Hawaiian islanders...and the list goes on. How can we keep track of all the things that could possibly be offensive to all of these groups, subgroups, overlapping groups and groups speaking for other groups?
The easy answer is that no one can.
The answer that requires a bit more thought, a bit more work and a bit more dialogue is mutual respect, paired with listening.
A good way to start is by not assuming the worst about someone when you hear something that rubs you the wrong way. Ask for clarification, give the offender a chance to explain. It's possible that you just misunderstood what was being said. Explain why you find what the other person said to be offensive. It could be that they are being offensive and didn't realize that what they were saying could be seen as such. If you are being called out for saying something deemed offensive, don't get defensive. Find out why the other person is offended and take their views into consideration. Explain what you meant and, if you still feel that what you said was not inherently offensive, at least try to empathize with the other person's feelings. At least agree to refrain from making those kind of statements around your friend. And if you must, apologize. And by the way, "I'm sorry that you were offended", or "I'm sorry if I offended you" are not real apologies. "I'm sorry (or better yet I apologize) for making that statement" or "I apologize for offending you".
Sometimes we are offended, not at something that a personal friend or acquaintance says or does, but at a societal trend, or even at something that a celebrity or politician does or says. These kinds of things often get a lot of coverage in media, both mainstream and social. then you are dealing with masses of people who have no incentive to act civilly, since there is no personal interaction to soften the words. Anyone who has commented on a newspaper article or blog post has encountered the rabid incivility that characterizes these exchanges. You're going to get muddy if you enter into these mudpits!
This doesn't mean that one shouldn't ever get involved in these extra-personal discussions. If a politician, who was elected to represent all of a district's inhabitants, makes insulting remarks about a group that he represents, that's cause for concern. If governing bodies base policies on stereotypes, or favor one group over another, that's a reason to speak up.
Personally I find that many people that I know hold views that I find objectionable, even repugnant. Depending on the person, sometimes I engage them as I describe a few paragraphs up. Sometimes I ask a few pointed questions or ask for clarification, like "Are you saying that all black people are on welfare?" or "Exactly why do you believe that atheists have no morals?" Sometimes this gets the other person to reexamine their beliefs. Sometimes it just shuts them up.
I do not believe that it is always a bad thing to discuss religion or politics, two realms in which it is a virtual certainty that your beliefs and positions will be offensive to someone. But it is possible to keep it civil...if you want to. I find it offensive that some people with whom I interact on a regular basis think that I am consiged to Hell for my beliefs or lack of the same, but I would find it fun and interesting to have a civil conversation with them about the basis of their opinion.
Of course, there's always the option of being the offensiveness extremist. You can be "that guy" who is forever pointing out something is racist, or sexist, or misogynistic, or some other -ist. If that's you, you've condemned yourself to being ignored and mocked, because if everything is offensive to you, then pretty soon your outrage becomes just another part of the background noise. Or you can be the guy who truly doesn't care what anyone thinks or feels. Perhaps you will find plenty of fellow assholes to vaidate your worldview.
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