Before launching into my own opinions, I want to state that there is no one answer for everyone. No two people, even those within the same family, have the same life experiences. As with most things, we have to construct our own standards and be content to live with them.
My own viewpoint is, of course, colored by my own experiences. I grew up in close contact with my extended family. My four siblings and I lived in a two-family home that we shared with six cousins who lived upstairs. Cousins and cousins of cousins frequently got together for family events. We regularly visited my two grandmothers and had them over for holidays. My parents and grandparents siblings were part of our extended family. There was occasional friction. My paternal grandmother was famously hard to get along with, and one of my mother's sisters could be counted upon to cause problems at times. Despite these issues, we never cut anyone off from family contact and even someone that we didn't always get along with was welcome in our home. Of course there was more to it than what we saw. Both my father and mother had cousins who, for one reason or another, we never had contact with, except for funerals...maybe. My maternal grandfather, who I was allowed to believe was dead, had been living in upstate New York, where he had no contact with any of his children or grandchildren. It wasn't until he really did die that I accidentally found out about him. Even though, going into adulthood, I knew about these "others", I considered them the exception to the happy families rule. I fully expected that when I started my own family that the same apparent closeness would prevail.
Then I got divorced.
That's a long and painful story, but the relevant chapter is that my ex-wife, convinced to the core that I was evil, convinced our children to break off all contact with me. Some of them may have actually believed what she was telling them, some of them may have just been trying to keep the peace, since she made clear that she strongly disapproved of them having any kind of relationship with me. For several years only one of my six children would have any contact with me. Eventually, as they got older and were less under their mother's day to day influence, they each reestablished contact with me. I envisioned recreating what I perceived as the perfect family dynamic, and for a while it seemed that my idyllic vision had been achieved. But I had not factored in a flaw in my thinking.
The flaw was looking only at what I wanted.
I was so enamored of the concept of "family dinners" that I never considered that my family might not find them quite so wonderful. That they might have perfectly reasonable and acceptable reasons for opting out of these gatherings - some of the time or all of the time. It took me a few years to realize that I am not obligated to host these gatherings and no one is obligated to attend. I have the option to invite family to my home and they have the option to accept the invitation.
One of the qualities that I tried to inculcate in my children was independence. That even though I would support them in their endeavors, and refrain from negative judgement, that I would not function as their safety net once they achieved adulthood. If I could have afforded to send my children to college I would have done it, but other than that, I did not see myself as obligated to pay their bills or protect them from the consequences of their actions. I realize, of course, that many would disagree with this mindset. I'm not advocating that there is only one way to approach this question. There have been a small number of times when I have paid a bill or intervened to help out one of my children, but in each case they haven't asked and it was not a precedent. The other side of the independence coin, one which it took me years to see, was that as a corollary to taking responsibility for their own lives, they weren't taking responsibility for mine. In this example, I still occasionally host family get-togethers, but am fully accepting of the schedules and needs of the family members and am prepared for just me and Susie to attend!
This brings us back to my initial questions: Where does your obligation to others end? When does your need for self care outweigh your consideration for others? I've written a lot of words about one of my own situations, but it comes down to balance. We would indeed be pitiful excuses for human beings if we never considered the needs of others, but what kind of life would we have if we always prioritized others above our own needs? There has to be a balance; and that balance is going to look differently for different people.
For me the balance is connected with a particular view of forgiveness. There's a difference between taking action that incidentally hurts someone's feelings, yet is done with pure motive and something that is done intentionally to injure or of selfish motive. For me, forgiveness is twofold. First, it's refusing to assume that another's actions are intentionally hurtful. This is not particularly easy for me - I am naturally cynical and have to make an effort of will to ignore what seems like the obviously "evil" motive. It's difficult, but not impossible. Secondly, I don't expect to much in order to forgive. I don't even look for an apology. All that I want is for the person that needs the forgiveness to stop doing the things that require forgiving! Change the behavior and let's move on!
That doesn't mean that I continue to allow people to take advantage of or otherwise injure me. If you've stolen from me, I may reestablish our relationship, but I probably won't leave my wallet or any valuables out.
So what's the answer? Facebook has a "relationship status" called "It's Complicated". And that's the answer - it's complicated. Ask yourself whether staying angry at your sister or cousin or parent is worth burying that relationship forever. On the other hand, ask yourself whether maintaining that relationship is worth the damage to your own peace of mind and sanity.
Find the balance.
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