Talking Over, Gaslighting & Aggressive Posturing

This blog post could be all about Secretary of State Pompeo or President Trump, but it's not. Because the behavior that Pompeo recently exhibited in his interview with Mary Louise Kelly of NPR is all too common.

It's mostly found when one person is in a position of perceived power relative to another, but it's not exclusive to that dynamic.

One of the most common and most obvious tactic that is used is talking over the other person. Absent a personal attack or insult, it's just good manners to let the other person make their point, finish their thought, consider what they said, and only then is it time to answer, rebut or elaborate. By talking over someone who is still talking you have communicated that what the other person has to say is beneath notice and doesn't deserve to be heard. Rather than listening and considering, the interrupter impatiently jumps in, sure that what he has to say is so much more important that what the other person is saying. This doesn't always involve yelling. I have encountered people in my professional life who believe that they have the answer to my question before I have fully articulated it. Oftentimes they do have the answer, but sometimes being able to fully articulate the question is an important part of being able to understand the answer when it arrives.

The flip side to talking over, and a tactic that often flies below the radar, is when one person barely takes a breath in their rambling soliloquy, covering multiple subjects without allowing the other person to response, disagree, or participate other than as a passive listener. This is just as much a power play as talking over someone, except in this case your disdain for the other person is such that you don't allow them to say anything. When on the receiving end of  these marathons, any thoughts or contributions you may have for the "discussion" become irrelevant since what you had an opinion on may be four or five subjects and 45 minutes past before you can wedge your way into the verbal hurricane.

Gaslighting is a popular tool in the verbal bully's toolbox. We see a lot of gaslighting on the national level, but it's pretty common in interpersonal power plays. When someone is gaslighting you, they act so convinced about what they're saying, so sure about what you know to be the opposite of what really happened, that you begin to doubt your own sanity. Years ago I was the target of some pretty sustained gaslighting. Sometimes I would be told that something that had been said seconds ago had not been said, sometimes I would be told that something I said seconds ago had not been said. Conversations that I had participated in would be "remembered" completely differently the next day. Eventually I began to see through it, but the weirdest gaslighting attempt involved a stop light. There was a traffic light a little way down from the corner from where we lived. I was referring to it for some reason and I was told "there is no stop light at the corner". Flabbergasted, I tried to explain that  it wasn't actually at the corner, but about one house north of the intersection and that it was a school crossing light. Nope, I was told, there is no traffic light there. I was so messed up that I actually walked down the street to verify with my own eyes that there was a traffic light!

Although these power plays often are conducted in a soft, reasonable-sounding voice, there is also the potential for violence, or at least threatening behavior. One of the more common examples of threatening body language is the "lean in". We all have a "bubble" an area around us that we like to keep free of other people. Everyone has differing tolerances for people getting in their bubble, but a favorite power play move is to step into another's bubble and lean in, face to face. There is no interpretation where this is not an aggressive move.

Finally, when talking over, not shutting up, gaslighting and aggressive posturing have all run their course, there's belittling. It doesn't have to be overt, like calling someone stupid. It could involve snickering at someone's point of view, telling them that no one cares about what they are talking about or pointing out an area of perceived weakness. Pompeo tried and failed in this maneuver by pulling out an unlabeled map of Europe, not realizing that Kelly had a Masters Degree in European studies and had forgotten more about European politics than he'll ever know; he doubled down by implying that she misidentified Bangladesh as Ukraine.

Don't let these behaviors happen to you. When someone is talking over you, the tendency is to stop talking - don't. Finish what you were saying, don't be bullied into shutting up. When someone won't shut up, try some non-aggressive move, like raising your hand when it's obvious that they aren't going to take a breath. Don't put up with gaslighting, politely correct the gaslighter. It's natural for people to remember a conversation slightly differently, but recognize the distinction between a difference of opinion and outright fabrication. While being aware that threatening or aggressive posturing might turn into actual violence, don't put up with that either, and certainly don't accept being belittled.

The world is full of people who will try to get you to back down.

Don't.

Photography

Photo Credit Jay Douglass

Doing something creative is good for the soul. At least it is for me. Creative outlets in my life have included writing (poetry, short stories, political commentary) and photography. My output of poetry and prose has declined the last few years, crowded out by political commentary, but my photographic endeavors have expanded. I started out with a point-and-shoot about 12 years ago and have upgraded a few times - but it's really the eye of the photographer that makes a good photo. Good equipment and editing software helps, but you can have the world's most expensive camera and still take crappy pictures.

I started taking photos at The Zoo Bar sometime in 2008 at a Chris Duarte Group show. I had been a CDG regular for several years and had come across a Fan Club website that encouraged reviews and pictures from the various concerts. I sent in a review and was told by the site administrator that someone else had submitted some photos of the same show. I was impressed with the quality of the image, which inspired me to start taking my camera to shows and submitting pictures to the Fan Club. My initial attempts were pretty horrible. Initially I wasn't aware of the "no flash" guidelines, and have some old shots of musicians glaring at me as I blinded them. My first camera had a few settings like "night", "cloudy" etc, so once I was cured of using a flash, the only setting that would result in any kind of image was the "night" setting, which defaulted to a wide aperture and slow shutter speed. This often resulted in a blur caused by movement. This could look really cool, or really awful! Eventually I upgraded to a camera where I could tailor the settings to the ambient lighting and the quality of my photos began to improve.

The biggest thing that has helped me improve my technical skills has been shooting in the inconsistent lighting of The Zoo Bar. For years, one of the issues for photography there has been the lights. Often one of the spotlights would be burned out, causing one part of the stage to be in deep shadow while other parts were well lit. A new lighting system has recently been installed, with movable spotlights, lighting effects and variable colors. Unfortunately for me and other photographers, there are still dark spots on stage and red lighting gets used a lot. This may look cool to everyone else, but red lighting makes for really bad photos! Without getting into technical and editing fixes, suffice it to say that continually trying different settings and listening to advice from other, more experienced photographers has helped greatly. Specific feedback from people who knew what they were talking about has been the single greatest contributor to improvement.

While I don't limit my photography to The Zoo Bar, the photos that I have taken of the shows there and at the annual Zoofest in July have gotten the most attention. In addition to affording me an opportunity to get better, I have met a lot of great people over the years as a result of my Zoo photography, Zoo Bar patrons, as well as musicians from all over the country, many of whom I have stayed in contact with after meeting them on break or out back for an "alley shot". Since I usually keep to myself at shows, I get a kick out of someone asking "Are you Tom Joyce?" when they see me with my camera!

What I try to accomplish, whether at the bar, on a Lincoln street or out in the corn fields is not to just snap a generic picture that says "Look, I was at the Dave Alvin show", or "This is a sunrise", but to find something about the image that says "This is pretty cool". A friend of mine referred to it as "editorial photography". A lot of my band photos are close ups of a guitarist's face during a solo, or a black and white image partly in shadow. Shots from behind the stage are something that is easy to do at The Zoo, and of course there's the famous "alley shots".

Photography has been fun for me over the years. Thanks to all who have encouraged me and have given me feedback and helpful tips. I look forward to another year of broken down houses, alley shots, grain elevators, and fighting funky lighting!